Anxiety Attack

Since last week, I am having trouble in breathing properly. Having shortness of breath always causes me trouble in sleeping, headache and sometimes I feel like vomiting.

At one point, I could feel like my heart just stopped beating before it would beat so fast

as if I just finished a marathon. I would overthink about it

especially after looking up on the net about the symptoms that I have.

Well, the symptoms lead to a heart disease that kinda needs an urgent treatment

but my schedule is so full that I don't have time to go to the clinic/hospital for a check-up.

But last Thursday, I had three hours of free time, so I thought I should see the doctor.

I didn't wanna go to the hospital because the doctors might think I was being dramatic about my 'disease' or I just overcomplicated stuff or everything was just in my head.

So I went to McGill clinic but unfortunately, the doctors were fully booked. 

I kinda don't get the healthcare system here because apparently, doctors can only treat a certain amount of patients every day and they can't go beyond the cap.

I don't get it, but anyway, I went to the receptionist, to explain my situation and apparently my case is kinda serious so they booked me a slot. It's an emergency, as they said, but I had to wait 2 hours for my turn. 

Long story short, I explained every situation that I had to go through and I was diagnosed as having an anxiety attack. My lungs and heart worked perfectly during the check-up, had no sign of asthmatic attack. I was not prescribed any medicine but I had to book an appointment with counselor/psychiatrist to connect the dots in finding the thing that triggers my anxiety level.

Well, we all know, it's all about academic stuff. I was asked the question, have I ever thought about committing suicide and my face was so shocked. Was it that serious?

But obviously, I never thought of that, but I just felt like sleeping the whole day

or I would just cry so much before going to sleep.

I was scared to open up about my problems, to begin with, but I decided to be frank and honest and I was told that what I'm going through is perfectly normal.

I have so many workloads, so many things on my plate and I don't have time for myself. 

I thought maybe I need to go for a short vacation somewhere but tbh, I don't think it works in a long run if I do not want to change the way I view things.

When people ask me what are my priorities in life, I can list all of them.

But little did I know, I just don't know my priority anymore.

Because the truth is, we can't prioritize everything as it kills the notion of having priority in the first place.

This weekend, it's a long weekend, due to Thanksgiving.

I started Friday night with having a me-time in a bookstore, trying to find good books to read over the Christmas break because I don't plan on going anywhere. I think this Christmas break will be all about spending time with me, myself and I. I need the break, not to travel, not to do something I have never done, nothing. I just want to read and chill and prepare for the next term.

Then, I went for dinner with my friends and watched anime with my roomies.

I also started my Saturday with my family. I facetime-d them and talked to tokmak and my mom. I had a long nap and I did my laundry, I ate and now I'm blogging.

I don't want to do anything related to academic stuff, I just want to chill.

But I'm still having shortness of breath.

I'm so confused now. Does 'thinking about stuff' could even trigger the anxiety attack?

Okay, I'm calling my psychiatrist boyfriend now.