My Raya Storiesss

Well, obvly every raya paints its own story

and this time, I feel that Ramadhan leaves me sooner,

and it's sad.

Because Ramadhan is like a friend,

you might see her today, but not tomorrow.

Exactly like how I feel today,

when Mimi is leaving to New Zealand

and thank God I gotta have iftar with her last week.

I am a bit emotional today,

because I jut got back from visiting 

my great-grandparents' graves.

I felt like it's just yesterday

they cooked for me,

but it's already 7 years.

Gosh, I miss them.

They're really good people,

died on Friday and in the month of Ramadhan.

May Allah bless them,

and how I wish to leave this world

on Friday and in Ramadhan too.

Like kak Syasya said,

leaving is easier than to be left.

Guess that's what made me feel sadder.

And receiving a shocking news about a junior's brother's death,

because of car accident;

I mean hm death is coming so near but we can't tell when.

If I die, it'll be a completely different story;

a different path, new beginning etc.

But if someone I love dies,

hm there's no word that can describe my feeling.

Even the thought of it hurts.

*cut*

so my raya story is a bit of everything this year.

This maaaay be my last raya in Malaysia

because I'm leaving to Canada pretty soon.

(Hopefully the visa process is all good, amin)

I baked!

Cookies, cornflakes made, semprit, red velvet,

chocolate moist cake, kek batik, triffle.

I found something that I like,

baking

and mom said my hobby is an expensive hobby,

so maybe I need to find a new one soon.

Ohhhh yeah,

YTN is just so nice because I'm 7k richer a day before raya

and guess what I bought?!

A freaking camera!!!

It's not an investment I would say,

but then again,

it's definitely something I treasure most.

Oh yeah,

you do know how short I am right?

So none of the modelling agency would want

to recruit me as its model,

so I'm testing my modelling skills

this raya too!

Here're some pictures! Tehee

Raya Day 1
(Baju Kurung + Songket, light blue and emerald green shawl,
just to make it contrast a bit tho)

Fantastic 4 back on track

My beautiful family :)

6+my grandparents

3 gadis pingitan

third day raya #ootd

more of us :)

3rd day of raya #ootd

intai-intai tapi orang PD tak sampai lagi...
(4th day of raya #ootd)

My IB journey

I still remember the day

I received phone call from 

Yayasan Tenaga Nasional (YTN);

telling me about the offer.

Electrical Power Engineering

International Baccalaureate, KMB (2 years)

Canada (4 years)

I was so happy;

the first scholarship offer I received!

YTN was the first scholarship I applied for too!

I was at UTP that time, the first day there.

Went back to Malacca, before I even completed my registration, lol :P

The IB journey was insane.

It takes an IB survivor to understand that,

and tbh I never imagined my life would've been that hectic.

Because IB was not in my plan after all.

My initial plan was taking either ADFP or A-Level,

got offered for A-Level program too,

but I accepted YTN offer because 

I want a secure job kinda thing.

Because I will only agree to take engineering as my degree

if and only if I received scholarship 

that could guarantee me work.

So, alhamdulillah :)

The two years of IB;

I spent 30% of my time crying,

70% of my time struggling.

I was never struggling that hard

in my study before,

maybe because I knew how hard the program was.

Everything needed to be sent before deadlines,

so many deadlines

and I would try to make it one week before

because anything could happen in IB.

ie,

my laptop got cracked after I finished my EE;

thank god I had backups but I still needed to re-do

my experiments

 (Doing EE in Physics was not easy!)

I had to continuously improvise my Math Exploration,

I thank Allah for a wonderful math teacher

who was never tired in guiding through out the Math Exploration thingy.

Oh, speaking of Math HL,

it wasn't easy at all.

I put most of my effort doing math,

through out the days in KMB,

because I knew it wasn't easy.

Pn Surinam's such a dedicated teacher;

having her coming to the college during weekends,

even at nights (staying back at the staff room);

it made me want to push myself more.

If a teacher could sacrifice her time for you,

why can't you sacrifice for yourself?

However,

I didn't achieve my target for math,

in fact slightly lower than my usual score,

it made me a bit disappointed.

But like teacher always told me,

we could've done no more.

I've done my very best,

I've put my best effort to it;

and if the reward is not today,

may Allah bless the efforts so it can be 

my stepping stone to Jannah, insyaAllah.

Physics was tough for me.

I like it very much,

but it wasn't the same.

SPM and IB are completely different.

And Alhamdulilah

 physics turned out to be what I expected it to be :)

Chemistry..

Well, I was not a chemistry kinda girl;

never scored good grades when in high school,

but SPM turned out to be better.

But learning in KMB was so much different,

maybe after getting hard slap by my high school experience;

I was keen to learn chemistry 

and I did mention

about me having lack fundamental chemistry knowledge

to my teacher, Puan Punia; 

she seems to be very understanding.

She guided me all the way through,

 Chemistry was no longer

a burden to me.

So, Alhamdulillah, I did it.

Economics was a new thing for me;

I used to hate economics when it came to debating

because the only thing I knew was

"supply and demand"

but I was definitely and entire wrong 

because there're so many things in economics;

which made it very interesting!

Teacher Zaedah was very supportive and

every time she asked us to do

econs presentation on certain topics;

that's where I understood most :)

In IB, 

we still have to take Malay

and Malay was no longer about tatabahasa,

but literature. Like pure komsas in SPM.

The difference was there's no IB Malay reference book

sold at any store!

You have to understand all the poems and novels by your own,

finding all the gaya bahasa (metaphors, similes, images, plots, settings, themes...)

I like Malay!

Cikgu Hasni's such a cool teacher!

She makes Malay so close to my heart,

and that's what IB wants tho,

to never forget our root :)

English is fun I would say!

All the presentations, orals,

sharing of ideas;

well English is always my favourite lesson since forever!

(Even tho I am not da bomb at it, but it's okay to love it, right?)

I am not a high achiever,

I am such a normal student,

I am never a genius,

I was not born smart.

But KMB teaches me to work and study hard,

to study so hard to achieve my dreams.

The dreams that I always have since I was a little girl.

Alhamdulillah

It teaches me a lot of life lessons.

No, I do not get all 7 for my subjects,

my total points were just enough for me to make

it to the next step.

Support system was indeed very important.

Family, teachers and friends,

they're all there for me.

Thank you so much for every single thing.

And especially to the One who will always be there

to listen and lend me these groups of wonderful people;

Allah SWT.

Thank you Allah.

I thank Allah for this wonderful chance 

that He still gives me.

Because of His mercy, I am who I am today.

After all,

this is not all because of my hard works,

this is a gift from Allah,

He sparks happiness in my eyes,

that can be seen through my parents' eyes

and my teachers' smiles :)

Indeed,

the journey of taking IB

shapes me to be a better person,

and it cannot be traded with anything in the world.

(If I had to re-take IB, I would not want to :P)

But all of these experiences

will never be part of my life, 

if I rejected YTN offer earlier, right?

This is not a post to brag about what I've achieved.

This is what I feel, and I want to share this experience  with all of you.

We all have different struggles in life,

other people may say their programs are harder,

it depends on how we take it and consume it.

I cried, 

because my result was not up to my expectation.

But then I realised,

I was wrong for doing that. 

Because Allah still gives me chance to fly to Canada.

Super awesome result might make 

me feel complaisant 

and maybe the idea

of working hard might be forgotten.

My result is a warning tho,

this is a golden chance for me

to be who I wanna be,

to achieve what I wanna achieve

and may this chance be something

that can bring me closer to Allah.

Some people succeed today,

some WILL the next day.

Allah listens to all our prayers,

and He is the best planner.

Congratulations to those who make it,

the others, I am sure there're always chances to be grabbed.

I didn't just say this because of courtesy, no.

Truth is,

I've failed many times in life.

I've cried a lot. 

But failure is somehow important

as it can be a turning point in our life,

and it may change our life, 360degree.

InsyaAllah.

The matter of a believer is strange

because everything is good for a believer.

So this means that,

no matter what we're going through in life;

having firm faith that this is actually

good for me;

whether or not I understand it,

but I know 

deep down,

that this is good for me.

Allah knows what's best for us, 

have faith in His fate.

Sad?

Continual hardships and difficulties can be

the main factor in the lost of hope 

and feelings of despair.

So what can we do,

when we're in need of strength?

A huge part in dealing

with difficulties and challenges is

having a good opinion in Allah SWT ;

Realising that Allah is never going to seek

something that is bad for you,

He's not going to put you in a situation 

that you can't handle.

He never puts a burden on you,

more than you can carry.

And remember that 

Allah always wants good for you.

The matter of believer is strange

because everything is good for a believer.

So this means that,

no matter what we're going through in my life,

having firm faith that this is actually

good for me;

whether or not I understand it,

but I know 

deep down,

that this is good for me.

The example is like a doctor who

gives us medicine but sometimes

the medicine has to come in the form of

a needle, through a needle.

And there's a pain through it.

But the one who understands that this is

intended to cure me,

to strengthen me,

then we will look beyond the pain

that is the cure.

Thank you Yasmin Mogahed for the wonderful thoughts :)

#PrayingthebestformyIBresult

#Goodluckeveryone

I am at this mood

I am so mengada 

till you feel like slapping me.

Please entertain me!

I will push you away,

and when you are tired of

pujuk-ing me,

I will be just like the picture above :)

Will I?

I've been crying to sleep these past few days,

because I am deadly scared

to know my results.

I still remember the first day

I entered KMB,

feeling so ambitious about getting to 

score well etc.

But after going through

the journey,

I am learning to accept reality.

IB is definitely an easy program

and if you think

you want to have leisure times during

your college days,

IB is definitely not for you.

So,

I did some reflection 

when I cried,

I told myself,

you know what,

I've done my best,

very best.

I've done every possible 

thing that I can do,

to score.

I've done my part.

Crying makes me feel 

that I am not perfect.

Some might see crying is

a form of me not having trust

in Allah's plan.

No,

that's not what I feel.

I know Allah always has better plans

for me, 

in fact He is the best planner.

He knows what's best for me.

I cry because I do not

want to feel confident 

that I can get good grades.

I want to remind myself,

to be at the best humility state as I can.

I cry because I am trying to

tell myself to accept reality

and to be prepared for any consequence.

O Allah,

please give me strength.

And I know you've the best result for me.

Give me strength to accept it.

Will I be flying to Canada?

What I like...?

Well,

many of us know

what we tend to hate,

we dislike.

Well,

I don't like hot sun,

I don't like running, jogging

but I love zumba and workouts.

I like flowers,

some of my friends would know

how much I love flowers 

and I want my wedding reception

to be full of flowers!

Esp this shade of flowers;

I love hindustan movies,

I look to watch people reading,

I don't really like watching movies

unless it's a super good movie with a really great company.

I love spring,

it's like a season full of flowers,

and I don't mind receiving the same type, 

and colour of flowers everyday.

I secretly search for florist website

so I can order flower for my loved ones.

I love the smell of grass,

after the rain.

I love it when it rains and I'm home.

I love the smell of my home,

it's just so welcoming,

I love being home,

that makes me very homesick all the time.

I don't like campss,

because I hate getting scolded for someone else's fault.

But I like wall climbing,

I like the idea of being adventurous.

But I hate jungle trekking because I almost fainted

the last time I did.

I like books,

the smell of books,

I love poetry, 

I love painting 

and I once hoped to be a painter

but I am not creative enough to be one.

I love giving people present.

I secretly wish to have all of my friends' address

because I want to surprise them :)

I love the idea of preparing a surprise

for someone even tho I am not good at acting

and to make the surprise a success.

I hate grammars. That's why my grammar is all over the place

and as much as I know it's important

to have good grammar so you will look smart,

I just don't give a damn about it.

Yeah, as long as the basic grammar is well applied

and the message is well understood.

I am a strong believer that a confident man

can win every heart.

It's not arrogant nor over-confident man, 

it's just someone who believes

in himself.

I hate asking from people,

for many times.

To me,

if I've asked for once,

and he hesitates to respond to me,

or fulfil my demand,

without further hesitation,

he will be the last person

I've ever asked for help.

I like making friends,

I just feel that networking is very important,

but my circle of friends is getting smaller

day by day.

I hate rich girls who think

everyone should impress them

and worship what they have. 

Jeez please.

Oh and I don't really like

"you want the flowers" question, haha

well obviously every girl would love

flowers but asking for flowers

just kills the notion of giving them

in the first place.

I've imagined myself,

hosting a fashion runaway for petite girls

because we (I) strongly believe

every petite and short girl

shall be given chances on that runaway stage.

I am afraid of giving birth

because I am afraid of not

having the same shape of body anymore haha

but after looking at this picture,

my perception changes.

I used to have deep passion

in debating,

but the passion is fading away.

Debating was all good,

it taught me to be a thinker,

but I was not really lucky 

and I should try it again,

next time :)

I have a lot of diaries,

I love writing so badly,

but reading others' masterpiece

makes me feel smaaaall.

Like I am never good enough.

I should tell myself,

things I like,

more than things I hate.

Because I don't plan on

hating many things in this

life.

A little happiness

I've been reading so many blogs lately
and little did I realise,
I am emotionally affected by words.

Reading emo-ish blogs,
makes me all moody all the way.

Reading funny-ish blogs,
makes me all happy.

I don't understand myself either,
maybe it's because it's almost time,
for me to face the red moon (what a metaphor).

I envy those who enjoy little happiness in their life.
Indeed, everyone measures happiness in her own way.

I wonder what's mine tho.

Does receiving great result in IB exam,
(will be knowing my result this Monday)
give me an absolute happiness?

Why do I want to get good result anyway?
Oh yeah, because I need to fulfil my sponsor's requirement,
because I am not rich to pay everything using my parents' money
unlike certain people.

I want to make my parents happy, and I finally realise
that it has nothing to do with me but my parents.

I owe them just too much, and I am afraid if I can disappoint them,

I'm scared of my future, too scared in fact,
till it makes me feel like I am hardly
enjoying my present.

I am just too busy of being scared and nervous
of so many probabilities that might happen
this Monday,
till I forget to appreciate
the one who comfort me all the time,
and also the One who listens.

Thank you Allah for being there for me,
and thank you for lending me
a very wonderful family that is always there for me,
especially my mum and my dad.
 and for a great angel, that is not tired
of comforting me when I am sad.

If I could choose who should stay in my life,
they will always be my family and Azmi Haqqim.

I love them just too much.